Hello, I am Zornitsa, 31 years old, from Bulgaria.
One year ago I participated in ayahuasca ceremony. I made a diet several weeks before that, I didn't ate anything at the day, also made a cleansing. I have had experiences with weed, mushrooms, DMT before and I didn't have any problems with any of it.
What was your intention for attending the Ayahuasca ceremony? What were you expecting or looking for? Did you feel this would be an amazing 'experience' perhaps? A door to another world or even an initiation? Did you travel to South America for the ceremony or was it brought to you in Bulgaria?
But in this ceremony first I was amazed that we are more than 80 person and only 3 shamans from Spain.
I think I know who you speak of and therefore what you say about 80 people attending and getting no help doesn't surprise me.
The ceremony started, some took peyote, some ayahuasca, some both of it. I took ayahuasca 1 cup. After some time one shaman offered another to anyone who wanted. I didn't feel it worked, so I took another. Hours passed by, the shamans sang their songs, the fire has burn to the end. The morning came, the ceremony has ended and then I felt the medicine worked for me. I felt awfully. My had was dizzy and I was extremely exhausted. No spiritual visions no nothing, I just felt physically bad. And all this chaos around me - people walking here and there, no fire, no shamanic songs and guiding, no attention, was very painful for me. So I stood in this condition more than 8 hours in suffering. I helped myself vomiting even I didn't have any natural calling for that, but it didn't make it better. I was very tired and I tried to lay down and sleep, but it became worse, so I stood up sitting again.
There is only a limited amount that someone who has never experienced entheogens (like myself) can add to this, however, I have read accounts of this kind of ceremony and what you describe sounds like a completely inappropriate and unethical way of working. Although tribes in the Americas may have large groups participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies, it must be understood that they are native to that area, more connected with the plant Spirits and Spirits of place there. These large groups have life-long cultural and spiritual understanding of what Ayahuasca is and is intended for but it doesn't sound like that was part of your experience, only the mechanics of dietary preparation etc.
One of the primary functions of ceremonies such as this is to fast-track a spiritual initiation process which would otherwise take years. Experiences from those who have undergone a true Ayahuasca initiation all carry the same basic similarities. Facing fear, moving and working through it, becoming strong through conquering these 'demons' and turning them into our allies. The same test is taken in different forms all over the world but the underlying necessity to face what scares us is fundamental.
After this day some time passed and I felt a grate fear connected to anything that even slightly reminds me of that experience. I fell in depression, I was scared for nothing. Just feeling fear. When I woke up in the morning I wanted the day was gone so I can fall asleep and feel nothing.
It sounds as though the process started within you but because you had no support or true Shaman to guide your experience part of the way, you were left to fight the experience instead of surrendering to it. This kind of experience can happen even when there is a native shaman in attendance because it is up to the individual to work through their fears. In this case, you were not able to do that so you are left with non-specific fear and anxiety arising from the confusion and resulting depression of not having the full experience necessary. Essentially the door was cracked open but you were not allowed to fully pass through or return.
After half an year I refuse to eat for a week. I couldn't digest anything, and I lost energy and weight. After that week I started to eat only soup for a long time. I went to a doctor and they said I had my gall stooped. I hadn't any problems with it before. The reason for me was that fear.
It is possible that fear caused this but it is equally possible that the gall bladder problem is not associated. In England we use the term 'having the gall' to infer that someone has an inappropriate lack of fear so for example "he had the gall to turn up at the party after all the hurt he caused". So looking at the inappropriate or non-founded fear response you have and the gall bladder problem, they do seem to stem from the same thing.
So one year later I am much better, but some days I can feel this fear sneaking. And IT wasn't a part of me in my life before. And I want to get cleared of it. I realized that all the ceremony went wrong for me, I didn't get help from the shamans and maybe my body didn't accept the medicine well. But what was done was done , I want to repair myself, because I don't like my life that way with this fear sticked to me.
So if there is a shaman or anyone who understand the problem and can help me - please!
You may need to find a Peruvian or Brazillian shaman who can properly help you with this and certainly I am not experienced enough in the use of such powerful plant Spirits to help you further. Do you have any shamanic training or was this ceremony your first encounter with a spiritual initiation process?
I strongly feel that you need to work one to one with a shaman you can meet with directly rather than over the internet. Someone you completely trust and who demonstrates their deep integrity in the way their work. This healing may not be easy but after what you have experienced this last year or so, you may find reserves of power and strength you never knew you had!
Good luck - if you want to talk in private, please feel free to contact me.